Fuck.

I can't believe the stupid, idiotic, thoughtless, horrible, insert descriptive word(s) for the worst person on the planet, ie. me, things that I do and say. Like, what the hell is wrong with me? I mean, I know people do and say stupid things, sometimes, but it seems like whatever I do and whatever I say is just so horrible and I am just such a jerk and I am surprised I have friends at all.

Am I being too hard on myself?

"Ashlee Simpson is a good singer."

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I can't believe he said that.
Ains and I went to Isaac's on Friday night. Dave and Devin were there, and we all hung out, then Dave went home, then we watched a movie, which I didn't see a lot of because Devin and I kept "falling asleep". Gross! Boys are ick. I drove home about 150km/h the whole way, which was...stupid because it was after midnight, which would have been awesome if I got pulled over because it would have meant I would lose my license.
Last night Devin came over and we watched a movie, then my parents made him leave at 2, which is dumb because...well I don't really know why it's dumb, but it is! And I was fighting with them about what time he could stay before he came and they actually said "next year, when you're out of this house you can have people over whenever you want.", which scares the crap out of me! I am going to be living on my own next year! Dear god, I can't even do my laundry. I'm getting a maid.
Exams are this week and I have...one. Suckers! Take it! I suppose I should study a tad this week. My exam is on Thursday.
EEK! I'VE GAINED FIVE POUNDS. It's no wonder, I have been eating THE WORST in the past couple of weeks. I've got to get back to fruit and green tea. I have been eating waaaaaaaaay too many carbs and sugar. I also have not been running since...like before christmas, so that's like a month and a half. Gross, I'm such a slob.
I have to do some work on my portfolio if I ever hope to get into anywhere half-ways decent. I think Art 11 will help more than Art 12 because it's more structured and geared towards teaching you how to use the different types of media, which will be good because I need to have variety in media for my portfolio, especially for NSCAD. I think that's where I am going to go next year. I was really struck on Toronto and Ryerson, but now I am not so sure. I don't know if I can handle a four year fashion program if I am not 100% sure it's fashion that I want to do. I mean, I love fashion and I am very passionate about it, but I haven't decided if it's really a career aspiration, or a hobbie. I wish I could make up my mind. Which is why I think NSCAD will help, because it will give me a chance to try all different things in the first year, then after that I can decide where I want to go.
I am listening to Pete Doherty's band, The Libertines. They're cute and have a good sound, a good hook, je pense? It's very upbeat and british.
I want to go to England.
For all your viewing pleasure, the "seahawk":

Highschool hell.

This was one of those days when I really can't wait to get out of highschool. I hate it. Okay, so I was standing in the cafeteria with Devin and this girl just swoops out of nowhere and slams into me and says "get the fuck out of my way!". Then...during art I went into the cafeteria again to get something to drink and I saw the same girl and she yells "get new clothes!". Like, wtf. I don't understand people.
Then, during musical we took a break and I ran into Britney Maclean and Adam Toth in the hallway and they're like "Alex, your locker is wide open and stuff is hanging out of it." Shit. So I run to my locker around the corner, and sure enough there it is wide open with my boots hanging out and NO AMERICAN EAGLE TOGGLE DREAM COAT. So I flipped and ran down the hall. I ran into Isaac, who was leaving but then he offered to walk me to the office, which I thought was very decent of him, so we went to the office and Isaac left and I told Mr. Jackson about my coat and he told me we could look at the video surveillance thingy. So we did that, and we saw these two girls walk around the corner and then one of the came running out of the section where my locker is and into the bathroom WITH MY COAT, then come out a couple of seconds later WITHOUT MY COAT. So I ran to the bathroom and sure enough my coat and a shirt I had in my locker were laying on the floor. So Mr. Jackson managed to identify the two girls and I have no idea who they are and I have never heard of them before. Either way, I hope they get in a ton of shit for that. I was almost in tears. I know that's lame of me, but I am very materialistic and I love that coat so it would have killed me if I lost it, especially since I haven't even had it a month.
Then when I got back to musical Mr. Barrett yelled at me for touching Dustin's hair when everyone else was talking and we weren't even doing anything. I hate that man. Seriously, what a fucking prick. Ugh. That was enough to almost send me over the edge, but then I stood next to Yeha and she held my hand and talked to me and I felt so much better. Oh, I love Yeha.
My friends are so great.

Free food.

So my dad saw the picture in my last post, and he was all "Alex, are you taking drugs?". I'm pretty sure if I told him yes he would congratulate me for not being a "square". Oh daddy-o. What a guy. He's my BFF.
I am supposed to apply for this Millenium Award Scholarship thing but I am far too lazy and who the hell cares because I probably wouldn't win anyway. Meh. Whatev.
Omigosh, today in film/vid was so stressful because I DROPPED THE CAMERA. Omigosh. Apparently I turned completely as white as a ghost. I'm pretty sure I had a panic attack. I was hyperventilating and shaking. It was pretty fabbity fab.
I started making a dress tonight, because I didn't want to study for Global. I decided that if I wasn't going to study, I would at least be productive and do some sewing. I hate it because I start these little projects and then they don't go anywhere and they just all end up in a pile. But I am going to finish this one this time.
There is no art club tonight (boo!) because Mr. Brown has to go down to the Valley for the next couple of days because his father is sick or something. I hope his father gets better.
I'm pretty sure today was 'Free Food for Alex Day' because I kept...well getting free food. This morning when I was working the cafe someone gave Ains and I a big ol' tip of fifty cents, so we bought a muffin, then during art class Britanny made popcorn and she and Danielle and I shared it, and then Ashley Frizzel made a castle out of cake for food art and everyone got a big ol' piece, and I also made some tea that Mr. Brown had in the art closet, and then after school courtney gave me orange slices. Maybe people thought I was malnourished. Keep it coming!
Devin says cute things. Today he said someone was a 'sweetheart', and meant it (I think), which is rare with boys je pense. And the other day in french he told me to 'get!', which doesn't seem that cute, but the way he said it was! Teehee! Oh me, oh my.
I still can't believe I have one of these stupid things. You'd think after this long I would be okay with it, but I still cannot believe I have succumbed to one of the nerdiest things on the planet. Oh well, la di da.

Peanut butter combined with pepper is the worst thing you shall ever, ever taste. So don't.
I'm a snot.

La vie est belle.

French was fabulous. Devin is fabulous.

Life...is fabulous.

Some lame kid told me to write what is on my mind so...you. You are on my mind. C'est tout!

Now, let's all go smoke some crack and call it a night.

Make it feel brand new.

So Feist was amazing. Ah, I love her so much, she's just so...feisty! Seriously! She has so much energy and spunk and you can absolutely tell that she loves what she does with her whole heart. I really respect her for that. But, I also believe that she is either anorexic, or addicted to crack. She's so tiny! MK Olsen has got nothing on her! Jenn Grant and then Shotgun and Jaybird opened up her set. They were both really great as well, especially Jenn Grant. She is just so soulful and cool, I have been listening to her songs on repeat. I do that a lot and then I get so fucking sick of the song that I can't listen to it for a long time. Kinda sad, if you think about it. Oh well, la di da.
I talked to a friend tonight who is going through the same thing that I just went through earlier this year up until about a month ago. I absolutely understand where they are coming from and I have a lot of empathy for them because I have been in their situation and state of mind. It's rough. I tried to tell them that all you can do is just wait it out, and things will get better eventually, even if it seems completely hopeless at the time. Oooh Alex is sooo deep! What a dork.
So. Devin and I are "seeing eachother" maintenant. Eeeeeeeh! So exciting! Omigosh! I'm so happy right now, I'm such a silly little girl. I really am a hopeless romantic no matter how much I try to pretend I am not. Heehee! Oh me, oh my. I'm absolutely smitten. What a silly word. It's like mitten...with an s. But it's what I am right now! Oh Devin, such a great guy. This is good. My heart.

Greatest thing I heard all day: "Woah, woah, woah. You're getting a little too emo. Just calm down." Mike Pinkney...or was it Brian Jeffcock? Meh.

Today has been okay.

Just when I thought.

So. My ex boyfriend has a belly button piercing maintenant. Hmm. Well then. Umm. Yeah, okay I don't know. I'm trying to be open minded, I mean I know it is the 2000's, and androgyny is popular, but come on! I guess I am just an old fashioned gal afterall. Whatever, I don't care.
The past few nights were fun. I went to Great Village and had a wonderful time with Devin, Rafe, Isaac and Jeska. I did a lot of laughing at...well...nothing. Isaac was the only one drinking, and as usual, we made fun of him. I do feel bad about it actually, I make fun of him so much. He's a good friend, so I suppose I should try not to be mean. Well, I don't know, I think it is just that I am so sarcastic and cynical and he isn't, so he takes it to heart when I really don't mean it at all? Oh well, la di da.
I had to drive home last night, and it was interesting. I took a wrong turn and I ended up in Wentworth! It felt like I was driving for so long, when really it was only a couple of minutes. I was convinced that I was in New Brunswick for a little while. But who cares, because I made it home safe and sound! I got home and fiddled around on the computer for a while then went to bed and had weird, drug induced dreams about my kitchen leaking and flooding, and sitting around in a doctor's office with Courtney, wearing a pork-pie hat (pete doherty is a fool).
Tonight I had a nap and then Courtney came over and we went to Subway, where we met Isaac. He was drinking, again, and I tried to pump him for information about "boy talk", but he wouldn't crack. I'll get to him sooner or later. Hehe...okay that was creepy. Yeha came with Mike to pick Courtney and I up. Yeha went out to Mike's car and Courtney and I came like, 30 seconds later, and they were making out in the car. Yick. Haha that's so like those kids. No shame! Then we all went to Katie's house for her and Nicole's birthday, which was fun. There were a lot of people there, including Rafe and Dave, who took it upon themselves to tell the entire world about Devin and I. Oh those boys, such the little gossips.
FEIST TONIGHT.
I wish I could sleep.

Admit it:

You wish Leslie Feist was your girlfriend. Feisty baby in a mere two days! Yeeee! I can hardly wait, I think I am going to pee! Today was keen. For the first time in a long while (try, say, June?) I am feeling content and like a genuinely happy person. None of this crying alone in the dark stuff anymore. Well, sometimes I just enjoy doing that. Who doesn't like to put on some sad music and have a good cry? I know it's one of my personal favorite things to do. Seriously. I think everyone should cry at least once a week. Crying is healthy. You can't go on bottling everything up for so long, because then everything will come out in a very negative way. But also, I don't think you should cry every single day, like I had been doing until a few weeks ago. Whine whine, poor poor Alex. She has such a tough life. What is she going to wear today? Who cares, I have my own problems just like everyone else. Just because something seems a certain way doesn't mean it really is that way.
I feel happy with where my life is right now. My friends are really great and they are really caring and kind and supportive, which is definitely a plus. Good friends are something that everyone should value on a very high level. Okay, now that I have proved that I am a complete fag.

I sat with Devin in french class today. It was fun, I was "helping" him with his questions that we had to answer for the oral part of our exam. He is very quiet, but when he does say something, it is always great. He is sweet. Everyone is rooting for us which I think is kind of cute, but a little weird that we are getting all of this attention all of a sudden. Oh well, la di da.

Louis'!

Ladies Luck.

This is blog worthy:
Last night, Ainslie and I had no plans and nothing to do, so... this being Truro, we decided to sit around, watch a movie and eat. But first, in order to do that we had to get the food first. Ainslie had received word that Sobey's was having a sale on Crispy Mini's. Since we both adore Crispy Mini's, we decided we had to take advantage of such a steal ($.97 each!). But, alas, when we got to the grocer's and found the spot in which they store the Crispy Mini's, they were gone. Apparently we are not the only ones who are cheap and enjoy a healthy alternative to chips. So, rejected, we took a stroll through the frozen foods section. Suddenly, Ainslie stopped and proclaimed that she had a craving for fat free, flavourless ice cream. After I quizzed her on whether she was pregnant or just insane, we looked for the object of her desire. As our eyes scanned the shelf, a small sign caught our attention. I can't recall exactly what it said, but the jist of it was that Ben and Jerry's (regular $5.99) Chocolate Fudge Brownie and Cherry Garcia were on sale for $.99! You can imagine our surprise! So, our enthousiasm restored, we desperately searched the shelf for the ice cream. It appeared that there was no Chocolate Fudge Brownie left. Until, I spotted a lone container of the delicious stuff tucked in the back. So we grabbed it, and a Cherry Garcia, and headed to the check out, not believing our good fortune. When we got to the checkout, the cashier rang our order in and we saw that it came up on the screen as $5.99. We told her that we had reason to believe it was on sale for five dollars less than that horrific price. She was not certain, so she called her supervisor, who checked the sign and realized that our ice cream was indeed on sale, and that because they had caused us much grief, they would give us one of the containers for free because we had been "overcharged". Which means, we left the store with two containers of Ben and Jerry's wonderfulness for a mere dollar.
'Twas a good night.

Lone Ranger.

I feel like typing. I don't know why. Tonight was fun. It was Alex's birthday "bash". I ended up being the lone girl at the end of the party, which was fine. At first I was like, this is going to be weird, but it was hilarious. We played video games and air hockey! Yay boy things! Everybody left at one point to go for a "walk" aka "melting crayons", so Devin and I held down the fort. Devin is a cool guy. I am glad I got to talk to him because I didn't really know him until tonight and I wanted to know him because he seemed cool, which he is! Okay, I am lame, I know. Whatever.
I'm supposed to hang out with Greg tomorrow, but I am also supposed to go to Great Village tomorrow night. Oh well, can't do both! I have to call Greg, I want to see him before he leaves to go back to Snottyville, aka Toronto. What a snot, ever since he came back from there. Oh well, I guess he's just a victim of...location? Not that he wasn't a snot before he went. I'm not saying being a snot is neccesarily a bad thing, as long as he isn't snotty to me.
I have the same song on repeat so it's just playing over and over and over again. I don't even notice, I just like daze in and out. I guess I should go to bed sometime soon. I had my first time ever babysitting job tonight, for Lavinia's kids. It was alright, I guess, but it made me really not want to have kids for a long time. Not that I was planning on having them anytime soon anyway. I just realized that you have to like give up your entire life when you have kids. You can't even go to the movies on your own for two hours without scheduling/paying someone to come look after your kids. But I guess it's worth it. I think your own kids must be the most special important accomplishment ever in your life. I'm excited to have my own, just not for a long time, as I said.
I felt like crud earlier tonight. I swear I was/am getting sick...I took a nap this afternoon after I got home and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have gotten up again at all if Rob hadn't called me to babysit. I feel okay now, just tired. Which is probably a pretty good indication that I should maybe go to bed.
Life is strange.

When I was seventeen.

The christmas break was "different" to say the least. I wasn't ever bored, which I suppose is a good thing. Christmas was good, I got my ipod nano (my baby) and TICKETS TO SEE FEIST IN HALIFAX! Omigosh. I flipped when I opened them up. My dad tried to trick me into thinking they were tickets to see Ron James at the Cohn. Not that I don't like Ron James, but FEIST! I am in love with her.

I don't know what I want right now. I am stuck. Like Scarlet Joho in Lost in Translation. "I'm stuck...does it get easier?" I absolutely love that movie. It makes me want to go to Tokyo and walk around in my toggle coat and clear umbrella. But yeah, I hate being seventeen. It's so complicated, even though it doesn't have to be. I have never ever before in my life had so many insecurities as I do now. I AM WRITING MY PRIVATE THOUGHTS IN AN ONLINE JOURNAL. What the hell is wrong with me? Who cares. I just feel like I am supposed to be doing so much and I'm not doing it. I have to go to university next year, and I thought I had it all figured out all along, but now that it's actually happening I feel so rushed and crazed and like everything is going to be ruined if I don't get my shit together right this very moment, at 10:13pm on January 5, 2006. Like my future completely depends on this one moment. GAH!

Whatever. I'm going to bed so I can sleep my cares away...ha!